


End of a Friendship

by Chaserspirit



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Death Eaters, F/M, First War with Voldemort, I am a sucker for outsider POVs so here you go, If you like Snape this is not for you, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), POV Outsider, POV Severus Snape, Snape has an unhealthy view of his friendship with Lily, jily, jily from snape's POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:27:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28278387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaserspirit/pseuds/Chaserspirit
Summary: He doesn’t know why he does it. He doesn’t know why he keeps putting himself through the pain of seeing them together and yet he can’t look away.Severus Snape finds comfort in his pain. He feels his resolve strengthen each time he sees them. He knows the path he has chosen won’t be easy, he’ll never be able to be a part of her life anymore. How did it happen? How did Lily choose Potter over him?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	End of a Friendship

He doesn’t know why he does it. He doesn’t know why he keeps putting himself through the pain of seeing them together and yet he can’t look away. Severus Snape finds comfort in his pain. He feels his resolve strengthen each time he sees them. He knows the path he has chosen won’t be easy, he’ll never be able to be a part of her life anymore. How did it happen? How did Lily choose Potter over him?  
He’d been her best friend, well at least in the beginning. He always appreciated her. How could he not? She was brilliant, but things change, people change, and unfortunately for him, Lily Evans and James Potter changed. 

He reckons that the demise of his friendship with Lily began in their fourth year. It’s when things started to get worse outside the castle. It was the first time that someone called Lily a Mudblood in front of both of them. His housemates called every muggleborn a Mudblood. The word was thrown around the Slytherin common room by a select group like it was nothing, but until then, nobody had said anything to Lily while he was with her. 

“Hi Sev,” Lily greeted brightly as she swung her rucksack down on the library table.

“Hi Lily,” he replied, his mood improving now that she arrived. Rosier, Mulciber, and Avery had been giving him a hard time lately so he’d come to the library to get away from them. 

She sat down next to him and sighed. “I can’t believe we have so much homework already, I mean the term just started!” 

She began to busily unpack her books onto the table. While she was looking for some spare parchment, he saw Avery and Mulciber saunter into the library. He mentally cursed himself for picking such an open table. The two had recently taken notice of how much time he was spending with Lily Evans and hadn’t hidden their disgust. It didn’t help that this was the year that Lily went through her growth spurt. Other people were now starting to notice her too, people worse than Avery and Mulciber. 

The two boys caught sight of him and wandered over to their table.

“Snape, I see you’re still keeping repulsive company,” Avery sneered as Lily glared at him. She refused to acknowledge the meaning behind Avery’s comment and was smoothing out her parchment, trying to ignore the two boys. 

“We’ve warned you about getting mixed up with Mudbloods Severus,” Mulciber said menacingly. Lily gasped and let go of her parchment, it rolled back together with a snap.

Snape was frozen with uncertainty. He didn’t know what to do, sure Lily was a Muggleborn, but she was different, she wasn’t like the others, she was bright, funny, and full of life. Severus hated being on the wrong side of the attention, so instead of fighting back, he said nothing.  
The two boys glared at them and Lily glared right back as he hung his head in shame.

“I don’t think Madame Pince appreciates that type of language in her library,” she said haughtily. Snape could see that her cheeks were turning red, which was never a good sign.  
He jumped up and began cleaning up his books, stuffing them haphazardly into his rucksack.“Lily, let’s just go,” he pleads.

“No, I refuse to be bullied by these two…these two…nincompoops,” Lily said angrily.  
Snape was going to intervene when he heard a chuckle coming from behind them  
Avery and Mulciber sneered at the newcomer.

“Nincompoops? Is that the best you could come up with Evans?” Sirius Black laughed as he came to a stop beside the group.

“Since when did you come to the library Black, I thought blood traitors spent their time chasing Mudbloods and Muggles.” 

“And here I thought you didn’t belong in the library since you can’t read,” smirked James Potter as he came to a stop beside Black. 

Avery sneered and looked even more menacing. “Original Potter, I’m surprised you could think of it so quickly seeing as your head is stuck so far up Black’s arse.” 

Severus saw Potter reach for his wand, and that’s when Lily slammed her bag on the table.

“I’m leaving now, Sev are you coming?” Severus didn’t know what to do, he didn’t want to upset his housemates but he also didn't want to upset Lily so he sat in silence. 

“Fine, I see how it is,” she said coldly as she turned around and began to walk towards the end of the row of books. 

“Evans! Oi, Evans, we can’t let you walk back to the common room all by yourself, you might run into more idiots,” Potter called as he scrambled after her. 

“This isn’t over,” Black glared as he jogged after his housemates. 

Lily had refused to speak to him for a whole week after that incident. He should’ve said something. He should’ve told Mulciber and Avery to sod off, instead, he’d said nothing and hurt Lily. His stomach churned when he thought of how she had looked at him before storming out. Severus sighed as he played with his food. Maybe he should’ve said something. Maybe he should’ve stood up for her. Potter always stood up for her, even before they were together. Now he’s alone and Potter gets Lily. 

******  


  
When Lily told him she had been named prefect he was jealous. They were at the park in Cokeworth, sat on the swings when she told him. He didn’t get named prefect. It was probably Rosier, he was always sucking up to the professors and his father and older brother were already well connected. Mulciber was an idiot, well connected, but still an idiot. Avery was passible. Despite their flaws, they were his friends. They liked helping him invent new spells and they thought he was smart for coming up with new ways to torment the Gryffindors.

He watched her push herself back and forth on the swing with her feet. “Do you know who the other prefect will be?” he questioned. 

He tried to keep his tone light, but he was worried. Of the four Gryffindor boys in their year, the choice was obvious. Potter would be made prefect and then he’d get to spend more time with Lily than him. 

“I haven’t heard yet,” she replied lightly, but he could tell she was lying. 

“Who is it, Lily? I know you’re lying.” 

“Fine, it’s Lupin. Remus Lupin,” she sighed. 

Why didn’t she want to tell him? Who had written her to tell her? Obviously, she was in touch with one of them. A wave of relief passed through him that quickly turned to dread. Didn’t she know that Lupin was sick a lot? It was suspicious. He would deal with that later, he was just happy it wasn’t Potter. 

****** 

Fifth year was when he began to notice that things were changing with Lily. She was spending more time with Potter and his cronies. The boys even dared talk to her when she was with him now. It was mid-September the first time it happened. It was a Saturday afternoon, they were sitting by the lake in their usual spot, working on some Potions work when it happened.  
He noticed Lily kept looking at something behind him. Snape turned his head and scoffed. “Look at those idiots.” 

Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew were playing in the shallows of the lake. They were laughing loudly as they threw a quaffle back and forth trying to keep it in the air while simultaneously trying to get someone to fall in the lake while diving for it. 

“You know they’re not that bad Sev, I wish you’d give it up,” she sighed shaking her head. “They’re actually fun to be around. Marlene’s on the Quidditch team this year with Potter and he’s been really nice. Black’s even helping us in Transfiguration.” 

“I don’t care if they’re nice Lily, I won’t let you-” 

“You won’t let me?” Lily said quietly, not letting him finish. “No Sev, that’s not how things work. I’m allowed to do whatever I want.” She was shaking her head and looking at him with a different expression, was it pity, on her face. 

He felt a hot blush creep up his neck to his cheeks, how could she be so blind? Potter and Black were no good. He was just trying to protect her. \“Let’s just forget it okay?” 

“Fine, we won’t fight,” she sighed, brushing her hair behind her ear. “Want to go to the owlery? I have to send a letter to my parents,” Lily said, getting up. Severus followed her because that’s what he did. He would go anywhere for her. That’s when he heard it. They were passing the lake. Her name, rather, her surname being yelled by an imbecile. 

“Evans! Hey Evans,” Potter yelled, “catch.” He lobbed the Quaffle right at Lily who caught it easily. She threw it back in their direction and continued to walk away. They both turned when they heard a splash. Potter had jumped to try and catch the ball but ended up in the water. He was sitting in the shallow water, glasses askew, laughing and Lily was laughing along with him. 

“Come play with us Evans, you got James out, none of us has been able to do that,” Sirius Black said jogging towards her, ignoring Snape. 

“Let me just send this letter and then I’ll join you,” she smiled as he ran back to his friends. “I’ll bring Marlene and Mary.” 

She looked at him wearily. “Don’t start Severus. They’re in my house and they’re in our year.” 

He felt sick. Lily was going to leave him for those idiots. They were no good for her. Couldn’t she see that? He stalked away from her without a word and went straight down to his dormitory. The next day Lily didn’t seek him out. She was mad at him, but why? He didn’t do anything. He just wanted to spend time with her. He felt that they were drifting apart and he didn’t like it. 

****** 

They were sitting in Potions when it happened again. He spoke to her and she smiled and laughed. 

“Evans,” Potter said, sauntering up to their table. “A doxy tells me it’s your birthday soon.” 

“Is the doxy named Marlene McKinnon or Mary Macdonald?” Lily laughed and turned to glare at her friends who were sitting at the table next to them. 

Potter laughed and ruffled his hair, didn’t he know Lily hated that? “Can’t say, but I do know we have a Hogsmeade weekend coming up and we haven’t had any birthdays to celebrate yet this year. Plus, it’s also Beatrice Fawley’s birthday and you know she won’t let the team forget it. So how about we celebrate all the January Birthdays together?” 

“If it’s for Bea, then I’ll be there,” Lily said, taking out her ingredients. 

Severus noticed she was blushing. Why was she blushing? Severus felt the bile rise in his throat. He always celebrated his birthday with Lily. Since they were both born in January, they always took the first Hogsmeade weekend of the new year to celebrate. He had it all planned out, they would go to Scrivenshafts and then the Three Broomsticks and Lily would let him buy her a butterbeer and then maybe it would lead to something more. 

As they were waiting for their potions to simmer he turned to her. “I thought we had plans for our birthdays like we always do.” 

“Of course we do Sev. I’m not going to spend the whole time with them. Besides Beatrice is my friend too-” 

“-You don’t even know her, she’s in seventh year.” he cut her off with a shake of his head. It seemed that Lily was gaining more friends and he still only had her. 

Didn’t she understand he couldn’t lose her? She was his friend, his everything. He knew what he felt about her was more than friendship, he was just trying to figure out the right time to tell her. He’d imagined so many different scenarios where he’d express his feelings and she’d agree to give him a chance that he had lost count. He just needed to make up his mind and go for it. There’s no way she would turn him down. They were still best friends, even though things were tougher this year. 

“I do too know her,” Lily said, rolling her eyes. “She’s in my house and she’s helped me with homework, we happen to get along well. She wants to be a healer too.” 

He shook his head and the subject was dropped, but that Hogsmeade weekend Lily didn’t keep her promise to meet him. When he walked into The Three Broomsticks with Rosier he saw her laughing and drinking with a group of Gryffindors. She was sat right next to Potter who had his arm around the back of her chair. He hated how natural it looked. He hated how much fun they were having. Lily never laughed like that with him anymore. Severus decided right then and there he was going to make an effort to save their friendship. 

****** 

In March, Lily was sitting in the courtyard waiting for him when he came and slammed his books down on the bench beside her. 

She jumped and covered her chest with her hand.“God Sev, you scared me.” She looked up at him.“What happened to you?” she said, just noticing the burn marks 

“I was jinxed, just now,” he said angrily. How could she not have noticed? He was making his way to her when it happened. Potter and Black were walking the other way, they had traded insults as per usual when Black hit him with a trip jinx but Severus decided that this was the perfect opportunity for him to try out one of his new spells. He was trying to perfect the tongue-tying one, but something had gone wrong. Both Potter and Black had ended up with boils in their mouths and had been burned by a scorching spell that Potter shot at him while running to the infirmary. 

“Sev what happened? Do you need to go see Madame Pomfrey?” Lily looked at him with concern, and something else that looked like pity, but he overlooked that. 

“I don’t understand how Lupin can be a prefect when he can’t even keep his fucking friends in line,” he spat angrily. 

“Woah, Remus isn’t the problem here. He’s actually really nice,” she said defiantly. It had been like this since the new year. 

Lily seemed to have a soft spot for Lupin. She was always jumping to his defence. He was ill every full moon. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out. Remus Lupin was a werewolf. Severus had been dropping hints for a while now, but Lily either didn’t pick up on them or was choosing to ignore them. How could she be friends with someone who was a monster? As far as he was concerned werewolves were no better than animals and shouldn’t be allowed in society. They were dangerous half-breeds. 

“Can we not do this today?” she asked exasperatedly. “I have to get to Charms and I’m not in the mood to hear you complain about Potter and Black. I know you give as good as you get.”  
“Fine.” 

“Look Sev,” she began. 

“Forget it, I’m going to Herbology,” he said rising quickly feeling dizzy. 

“Severus,” she called after him. 

“Bye Lily,” he said as he grabbed his books and walked away quickly. He hated this. They could hardly have a civil conversation anymore. What was happening, why was he losing her? 

****** 

The end of their fifth year was full of fights. Maybe he should’ve fought harder for her. He should’ve stood up to his housemates. The worst fight before their friendship ended happened after Mulciber cursed Mary MacDonald.  
They were walking together after Potions when the fight began. Lily had brought up that she’d heard he’d known about the attack on Mary and done nothing. 

“You heard the rumours from McKinnon Lily, you know you can’t trust a thing she says,” he spat angrily, the back of his neck heating up like it always did when he got angry. 

“Excuse me? Marlene is one of my best friends and wouldn’t lie to me. I’m not going to fight about this Severus. Either you support Mulciber or you don’t. Mary is also my best friend and she’s lying in the fucking hospital wing because something your friend did.” She poked his chest, emphasizing the last three words.  
“You know where I stand, ” Lily glared at him and stalked away up the stairs towards Gryffindor tower. Somewhere he couldn’t go. 

“I thought I was your best friend.” 

She’d walked too far away to hear what he said. 

Later that day he sees her with him. With James Potter. They were walking to the hospital wing, together. He sunk back behind a suit of armour across from the doors and listened. 

“Evans, are you sure you’re okay?” Potter said running his hand through his hair.

“I wasn’t the one who was cursed was I?” Lily replied heavily, “But, yes I’m fine thanks for asking.” Smiling. She was smiling at him. 

“When I heard Merlin, Evans, when I heard it was a fifth-year Gryffindor I thought-I thought-” Potter was now pacing back and forth. “Not that I would wish it on anyone, but-” 

“Don’t say it, Potter,” she said forcefully, “I need to go see Mary, but, thanks.” Lily patted him on the arm and opened the doors to the hospital wing. Snape felt his stomach drop as he watched Potter follow her in. 

****** 

Remus Lupin was a werewolf and Sirius Black tried to kill him. He had to tell Lily that she was friends with a half-breed. She was better than that, she should know better than that. She would be on his side, especially after Black had tried to murder him by knowingly sending him to the place that contained the werewolf. He caught up with her after Potions. She was no longer his partner, after the incident with Mary, she’d gone and partnered with Dorcas Meadowes. He knew they were on shaky ground but he had to try. 

“Lily, can I speak to you?” 

“No, go away,” she said, picking up her pace. 

“Let me explain-” 

“No. I heard what happened and I can’t believe you,” she said coming to a stop outside the Great Hall. “You couldn’t leave it alone, could you. Do you know what you’ve done to Remus?” 

“What I’ve done? Black tried to kill me and you’re blaming me?” he said as he grabbed her arm and forced her to turn around and face him. 

“Ouch,” she said rubbing her arm. “I said I didn’t want to talk, Severus.” Her green eyes were filled with anger and she was looking at him coldly. 

“Lily please,” he begged, “just listen.” 

“Save it, I’ve heard what happened.” 

“From them, not from me. You’re in danger Lily.” 

Her eyes flashed dangerously at that. She moved to a corridor to the side of the Great Hall and lowered her voice. “It’s all about being right with you, isn’t it. Did you think for a second that the reason I ignored your idiotic hints and remarks about Remus was because I knew?” her eyes flashed dangerously at him.  
He recoiled, he never thought she’d know and still willingly be friends let alone patrol the corridors with a known werewolf. Not to mention the fact that she had kept a secret from him. It wasn’t like her to not be honest. What else had she been hiding from him?

“That’s right, Severus, I knew. You just couldn’t leave it alone though could you?” she continued, her face hard. Where was his best friend? The witch in front of him was stone cold and her eyes had a hardness in them he’d never seen before and it scared him. He couldn’t lose her. She was the one good thing in his life. She made it all worth it. If only Lily saw how he could help her reach greatness. 

“Lily I just, I wanted to keep you safe.” he spluttered. 

“You have a funny way of showing it, Severus. You’re lucky Potter was there to save your sorry arse. I can’t believe you’d have been so stupid-” 

“Lucky?” he said dangerously low. Now she’d done it. He was seething. His heart was beating fast in his chest and he felt the heat creep up his neck. How dare she say that saint Potter had saved the day. All he wanted to do was to show her that he was right. 

“Save it, I’m done here,” Lily said, moving to walk towards the Great Hall. He let her go. He saw her go and sit right next to Sirius Black who was surprisingly sitting alone. The others in his group were sitting at the opposite end of the table. Why was Lily sitting with Black? Who was she? 

He wasn’t hungry anymore. He felt sick to his stomach. He knew he was losing her but he had to hold on. She would come around, see that he’s right and that being with him would protect her and help her achieve her full potential. 

****** 

He tried one more time to talk to her on the train home that year. He was sitting in his compartment with his friends thinking about her again as he watched the Scottish countryside pass him by. He knew he shouldn’t have spent too much time around them this year but they had power and protection. He didn’t have the luxury of having a last name like Avery, Black, Rosier, Mulciber hell, even Potter or Prewitt. His name gave him nothing, but the boys accepted him and welcomed him anyway, something that he had never had before.  
That’s why he spent time with them and to their credit, they were alright. Sure sometimes Mulciber took things too far, but it was all for a laugh, besides MacDonald hadn’t been seriously hurt.

Severus got up and muttered something about going to the loo, when in fact he was going to look for Lily. He wanted, no, needed, to find her. The last time they had spoken outside the Gryffindor common room he had left broken and upset. He refused to end the year like that. She just had to forgive him. 

He felt the rumble of the train under his feet as he braced himself against the compartment door. He took a deep breath and walked towards the front of the train. He hoped she would at least listen to him. She’d hidden from him all yesterday and when he had tried to see her this morning at breakfast she was surrounded by the idiots from her house. 

His robes felt tight around his throat as he made his way down the narrow train corridor. He felt his heartbeat speed up as he passed each new compartment and didn’t see her. As he approached the front of the train he knew he was getting close to the Marauder compartment. What a ridiculous name, he scoffed as he braced himself again. He almost didn’t look in, and he shouldn’t have because she was there. He felt sick and it had nothing to do with the motion of the train. 

Lily was in there, with them, with him. She was sitting next to Potter and Lupin. It seemed that the whole of Gryffindor fifth year had crammed themselves in there. McKinnon was practically in Black’s lap. They were being obnoxiously loud too, Severus could hear them from his spot in the hallway two compartments away. He steeled himself to pass by; he didn’t want them to think he was there to just stand in the hallway. He was sure Lupin had seen him. 

He gripped his robes and walked by with his head held high, heart beating fast in his chest, but nothing. The group continued to talk and laugh. Nobody spared him even a glance. He felt two feet tall. Lily really didn’t care about him. She didn’t even look at him when he passed. She didn’t care about him. 

***** 

His sixth year began and he lost hope of ever repairing the friendship they once had. Lily hadn’t answered the letters he sent her, or the door when he had gone round to see her. He got in deeper with the wrong crowd. Deep down, he knows it's wrong, but they accept him. They like the spells he creates. They love testing them out. Usually on Hufflepuffs who wander too close to their side of the dungeon, but Severus isn’t opposed to trying it out on the Gryffindor tossers in his year either.

After he had made the mistake of calling Lily a Mudblood, Mulciber, Avery, and Rowle had all patted him on the back and congratulated him for finally cutting ties with her. They said she was dragging him down. They also invited him to another one of their meetings. He wasn’t too interested in what they were up to but he went along anyway. Last year the meetings had been few and far between, but this year they were starting to increase in frequency.  
He knew Lily would be disappointed in him, but the boys accepted him. They were happy to have him amongst their ranks. He felt powerful and he was sure once Lily saw where the world was headed she would welcome him back with open arms. 

He hears running footsteps as they continue to hex the two Hufflepuff fourth years. Before he knows what’s hit him Lily’s disarmed him, and Lupin’s disarmed Avery. Of course, those two had to be on duty tonight. Rosier hadn’t shared the new schedule with them yet so they weren’t sure which prefects they might encounter. He saw two Gryffindor Prefects help the Hufflepuffs up and send them to the hospital wing. 

Lily is staring at him, her eyes are cold, and he can see a hint of disappointment in them. It made him ill. Here she is catching him doing the things he swore he wasn’t doing for the past two years. 

“Thirty points from Slytherin, each, and we’re going to show Professor Slughorn what you’ve been doing,” she said coldly. 

“We don’t care about house points anymore Mudblood,” Avery sneered, crossing his arms. “We have better things to concern ourselves with now.” 

He saw Lily instinctively throw out her arm to block Lupin from doing anything.

“Even so Avery, you’re still a student and you still need to listen to us,” Lupin said evenly, “Now, let’s go to Slughorn.” 

He can hear them talking outside Slughorn's office as the professor is getting parchment out to write to their parents. Not that it’ll matter, his mother hardly leaves her bed these days and his good-for-nothing muggle father is too drunk to notice. Both of them have been issued two weeks detention and can’t go on the next Hogsmeade trip. He strains his ears to hear more. 

“You okay?” 

“Yeah, I-I guess, thanks,” he can hear the exhaustion in her voice. He knows that this year hasn’t been easy on her. He sees the constant abuse she takes, the name-calling, the insults, the curses in the corridor, and the snide remarks. If only they were still friends he could’ve helped her. He could’ve protected her from it. If only she’d realise that she should be with him. 

“Remus?” he hears her ask with a quiver in her voice, “please don’t tell James.” 

“Lily,” he hears the werewolf say warningly. 

“He’s going to do something stupid an-and I can’t have him in detention again,” 

Severus felt his heart drop. Why would Lily care what Potter did? It’s not like they were friends? Were they? His heartbeat increased. They are friends. Lily and Potter are friends. He’s seen it, but until now he’s never fully admitted it to himself. 

“Fine, I won’t tell him, but you should.”

“I know.” 

Why should Potter know? This wasn’t any of his business. He noticed that Potter, Black, Pettigrew, and even Lupin had been issued more detentions than usual this term. Severus isn’t stupid, he knows it’s because of Lily and to an extent her friends. She never went anywhere alone since the attack on Mary MacDonald last term, she was always with at least one of them and it pissed him off to no end. He couldn’t even get her to look at him anymore. 

******

After Christmas, it turned into an all-out war in the corridors between Slytherin and Gryffindor. Sirius and Regulus Black were each issued a weeks worth of detentions for brawling, wands forgotten, in the middle of the Transfiguration corridor. He tried to stay out of it as much as he could, but he wasn’t shy about drawing his wand when it came to Potter. Unfortunately, after Christmas in sixth year, wherever Potter was, Lily was too. They were inseparable. It wasn’t uncommon to see Lily coming in with the Quidditch team after practices or to find them working in the library until curfew, leaving together with Potter carrying Lily’s things. 

It was just his rotten luck that he happened to be in the library at the same time as them on a cold January evening. He trying to finish his Charms essay when they walked in and took the table in front of him. In the past Lily would’ve helped him with his Charms essay, it was his weakest subject and one of her strongest, but now he does it alone.  
He tries to concentrate and finish writing about the Protean Charm but all he can hear is Lily and Potter. It makes him sick. He doesn’t want to listen but it’s hard when they’re not exactly quiet. 

“So what did mum write to you about?” Potter questioned. 

“That” laughed Lily hitting his nose with her quill, “is none of your business.” 

“I invite you over one time, one time Evans, and she likes you better than me. First Sirius, now you,” Potter pouted.  
Snape felt his ears get hot. Lily had gone to Potter’s over the Christmas hols. This was just great. What did they do? How long was she there? That certainly explains their chumminess. He couldn’t believe it. How could she be doing this? Fraternizing with the enemy. Though he supposed at this moment, he was the enemy.  
He tried to focus on his essay but the Protean Charm wasn’t as interesting as the two people in front of him. 

He saw Lily look at Potter and then down to her parchment.“She actually wrote to me about my parents. If you have to know, she wants them to visit over Easter.” 

Severus could see Lily blushing to the roots of her hair. Why were her muggle parents going to meet the Potters? It’s not like Lily was dating Potter. That would be ridiculous. They were nothing more than friends. Friends who spent a lot of time together. Friends whose touches lingered just a little bit too long. Friends who stared at each other far too much.  
He threw his quill in his bag and rolled up his parchment, he wasn’t going to get any work done. He couldn’t focus. He couldn’t stand the way Lily was looking at Potter. He left the library in a huff. 

****** 

During the final month of term, it seemed as if Lily and Potter were glued together. He would see them running down the hall together holding hands, laughing, and yelling. It made him sick. His heartbeat would increase and then he’d feel angry. Lily was never that open with him, she was always guarded even when they were children, and here she was, living and loving so hard. It wasn’t fair. He was the one she should be with. He could offer her protection and she could do great things with the power he’d give her. 

The way Lily and Potter could charm their way out of trouble was sickening. They’d turn up to potions, Lily’s hair was a mess and Potters robes were wrinkled and they’d smoothly talk their way out of it like it was nothing. What had they been doing? He’d rather not think about it. It seems their friends didn’t know either as he overheard after class. 

“Where were you this morning Prongs?” Peter Pettigrew said, “we tried to look for you after Transfiguration but you were gone.”  
“Ah Wormy, if I told you I’d have to kill you,” Potter laughed hitting Pettigrew on the arm.  
“Lily also disappeared and then you both came running into Potions, late I might add, looking thoroughly snogged,” Lupin laughed as Potter ran his hands through his hair and looked at the ground. 

Snape felt sick. His head began to pound and he couldn’t stand it, but he couldn’t exactly stop listening. They were all walking the same way. He needed to escape and get away but he was trapped. He felt his neck heat up. 

“So, are you snogging in broom cupboards? Do I get to collect my winnings” Black egged on. 

“Lily is a respectable girl and would never be caught in a broom cupboard thank you very much, unlike you and McKinnon,” Potter laughed as he shoved Black. 

“What’s that about me?” Marlene McKinnon elbowed her way past him and asked. He felt a jolt as Lily followed her, but didn’t even look at him. She was looking at Potter now, with a glint in her eye. 

“Ah, Marls, glad you could join us, I was telling Prongs here how broom cupboards are acceptable places for a good snog,” he said wiggling his eyebrows as she pushed him. 

“Sirius Black!” she exclaimed as he planted a wet kiss on her cheek, “you are such a dog.” 

“If only you knew love,” Black responded, which apparently was the funniest thing ever said since Lily, Potter, Lupin, and Pettigrew were all loudly laughing at it. 

Snape felt sick. He took the first turn even though it was the long way round to his next class. He couldn’t stand it. He was her friend. He had loved her first. Why couldn’t she forgive him? He’d made one mistake and now he was alone. 

****** 

Seventh year came and of course, James Potter and Lily Evans are named Head Boy and Girl. Severus knew deep down it would be them. They’re the two brightest students in the school. No matter how much he’d tried to keep her away from him, Potter and Lily were always drawn together.

He tried to deny it for the longest time, but in October he couldn’t deny it anymore. He was just trying to get to Herbology. He only kept up with the class so he could understand the plants used in potion ingredients. He wasn’t paying attention to where he’s going and he ends up in the courtyard where he sees it. Lily and Potter wrapped around each other.  
It makes him sick. The way she’s running her hands through his stupid hair, the way Potter is cupping her cheek. He turned on his heel and walked as quickly as he could to Herbology. 

That night he seals his fate. He agrees. Over the holiday break, he’s going to meet Him. They’re going to great things when they leave Hogwarts. Lily would see and she’d have to come back to him. She’d understand one day when she saw the power he was going to have. Potter would be nothing compared to him and he’d win her once and for all.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been rattling around in my head for ages and I decided to finally write it down.  
> I wanted to show how unhealthy Snape's view of his relationship with Lily is. I don't think he really ever took the blame. It was always everyone else's fault that Lily stopped being his friend.
> 
> Happy Holidays everyone. I hope you're staying safe!


End file.
